Why the Holidays Stress us out, and how to prepare beforehand
Photo by Elisa Ventur
As we approach the holiday season in the Global North, it is important to acknowledge that this time of year (mid-October to January) can be stressful and overwhelming for many people, especially for those who are Neurodivergent and benefit from routine and controlled environments. During the holidays, people tend to gather indoors, often in tight spaces, accompanied by loud noises, overwhelming scents, and pressures to remember distant relatives. It is understandable that many people dread the holidays, but we shouldn't have to choose between participating in social events and meeting our needs. To help manage the demands of this season, it is helpful to have some adaptive strategies to calm our minds and bodies, as different methods may work better in different situations. As always, feel free to "take the meat and leave the bones," as my grandmother used to say. If any of these recommendations resonate with you, feel free to test them out. If they don't, no worries.
Have a set of Go-to Grounding Activities
In times of stress, it can be helpful to create a daily self-care routine. This means taking time out for activities that bring us joy and relaxation, such as reading, yoga, or going for a walk. By prioritizing grounding, we can better navigate the chaos of the season and maintain a sense of balance and calm. But what does grounding mean exactly? To put it simply, it's about feeling Relaxed (releasing tension and softening), Open (body language, open to difference), Confident (feeling balanced and sure of yourself), and Kind (understanding, accepting, and able to relate to others). I refer to this as the R.O.C.K. mantra, and it helps me discern what activities make me feel grounded. My go-to grounding activities include singing aloud, humming, writing, walking near bodies of water, and baking. If you're a parent with a child who gets nervous around family gatherings, try blending grounding activities with social activities to make it easier for them.
Increase Your Awareness using the Three B’s
The holiday season can be overwhelming due to the large amount of stimuli around us. The bright contrasting colors, sparkling lights in shops, endless commercials, and calls from family can be too much to handle. For those who are neurodivergent, their brains are usually on overdrive trying to filter out the important information from the fluff. Reducing the amount of information and stimuli is not always possible, but we can choose what to focus on. It's like limiting the exposure in a camera to sharpen an image. If you're feeling overwhelmed at an office holiday party, try focusing on one thing at a time, like making it to the punch bowl, putting your white elephant gift on the pile, or taking off your coat and scarf.
By being fully present and aware of the current moment, we can increase our tolerance of stimuli and alleviate anxiety and stress. Deep breathing and deep listening are effective strategies to achieve a more peaceful state of mind in social settings. The three B's - Belonging, Balance, and Breathing - can help in this regard. For instance, imagine you're at a social gathering or feeling overwhelmed. Remembering the Three B’s, allows you to focus on your breath, take a few deep breaths, and relax a bit (Breathing). You can remind yourself why you're doing the task, whether it's out of respect for your colleagues, out of love for family and friends, or to deepen connections (Belonging). This allows you to accept that things will be alright, even if they aren't perfect. You can remind yourself that you're doing your best, and that's enough for now (Balance). Increasing our awareness can help us stay grounded in the present moment and let go of worries about the past or future.
BBYB: Be Bout Your Boundaries!
As Neurodivergent individuals, it is crucial to maintain boundaries during the holiday season. We are often told that we are too sensitive or take things too seriously, which can lead us to repress our needs and disregard our boundaries to keep the peace. This is especially true if we are returning home to spend time with family, and friends, or in settings where our Neurodivergence is not understood. Without proper care, we may end up masking our traits and feel triggered when someone draws attention to something we do that is outside the norm. It can be frustrating to explain ourselves when we thought we were incognito, such as when someone asked me why I was fanning myself (using a handheld fan is one of my self-stimulating behaviors).
To avoid this, it is helpful to reflect on what we will or will not accept before attending a social event or returning home. Setting clear boundaries and having a plan for communicating these boundaries is essential to remain calm and empowered if and when a boundary is about to be crossed. It is also crucial to have a plan in case our boundaries are not respected. Remember, our boundaries are requests, and not everyone has to comply with them. In situations where we anticipate the potential for boundary-crossing, having a BATNA (Best Alternative to Negotiated Agreement) can be helpful. If someone insists on using non-neuroinclusive language or we feel pressured to participate in activities that make us uncomfortable, having a BATNA ready can help us remain resilient.
Although it may not be easy, following these recommendations can help us grow, connect, and be authentic. It is what Resmaa Menakem, a therapist and author, calls "clean pain."
What strategies do you use to manage holiday stress?
