Why Asking Neurodivergent People if We’re OK is Not the Move
It shouldn’t be a surprise that there’s a lot going on outside. Have you been outside? Things are rough. Rough rough. And almost as if on cue, I’ve heard from so many people, mostly with the same question…Are you OK? I’m from the American Midwest, where that question comes up daily. It’s almost instinct at this point. My friends, family, and even neighbors seem spellbound to ask.
On the surface, it’s a harmless question, right? I’m not so sure. It feels to me more like a way of seeming like a good person, or at least what a good person is supposed to do, without any expectation of an honest response. What are we supposed to say other than “yeah?" It’s a little bit like asking, “Does that make sense?” when giving a presentation. So the only options are yes and no—but if you say no, it’s like admitting you didn’t understand something obvious and who wants to do that?
Also, as an A+ Neurodivergent (Autistic, ADHD, + Dyscalculia), the question has always thrown me for a loop. Is it a serious question? Am I supposed to be honest? Because when I am, I get blank stares and awkward silence. Got it—don’t answer honestly. By now, you’re probably thinking, well, Mx. Know it All, what do you propose instead? I’m so glad you asked. I’ve given this a fair bit of thought and have a modest tweak to the “Are you ok?” question, not question.
What if instead of asking, “How are you doing?” we asked, “How is your nervous system doing? “What does your nervous system need right now? How can I support your nervous system? What does our nervous system need right now? “ I’m not entirely sure people have a frame of reference when they ask themselves or others if they’re doing OK. I think people often have a relative frame of reference, as in they gauge their state of being from moment to moment, but it’s not grounded in a complex awareness of what it means to be optimal emotionally.
Worse still, we sometimes gauge our state of ok-ness in contrast to others, i.e., “Thank goodness I’m better off than that person.” I find that our collective lack of knowledge or awareness stifles our capacity for care and growth. I think it’s important for people to talk about what it feels like to be OK and not OK. To emphasize this point, I’m including a fantastic infographic by the always-insightful Dr. Neff of Neurodivergent Insights (see what I did!). If you don’t follow Neurodivergent Insights, you should. They wrote an entire article about how Neurodivergent nervous systems have additional challenges when it comes to responding to stress.
Credit to Dr. Megan Anna Neff of Neurodivergent Insights Alt text is embedded in the image.
In my experience, Neurodivergent people are the worse off when we don’t talk about how our nervous systems respond to and process stress. This infographic is not an exhaustive list, and of course, there are nuances and shades of gray between these three states. But we have to start somewhere. With acceptance, we can achieve a higher state of agency about what type of action is possible. Before we can achieve acceptance, we must explore awareness.
Hi, I’m Chris. I’m an award-winning writer, coach, and strategist specializing in workplace neurodiversity and gender inclusion. If you’re looking for support, visit my trainings page.
#neurodiversity #stress #trauma
