How to Make Neurodivergent People Feel Welcome at Your Holiday Event
This is the time of year when people have gatherings and connect with loved ones. Last year, I wrote a how-to guide for neurodivergent people on how to not only survive but thrive during the holidays in North America, and it was very well received. Now that we're another rotation around the sun and turning to the cold days where we're tempted to stay in and grow closer to our beds, it's a good time to review some of those best practices. I'd also like to expand on what I wrote to make it clear that the responsibility for creating inclusive and affirming spaces for people who are neurodivergent, like me, often falls on those of us who are neurodivergent —not on those who are neuro-dominant —and that this has to change.
It is entirely possible to create social gatherings, spaces, and opportunities for connection and communion that affirm and meet the needs of neurodivergent people and people of all neurotypes. I read something recently that stopped me in my tracks: “Ritual is to the soul, what food is to the body.” Wow, that needs repeating: “Ritual is to the soul what food is to the body." Ritual gives us meaning and purpose and offers a space to be part of something larger than ourselves. It provides us with the opportunity to witness each other in all of our humanity, to ask for help, and to help each other. While I’m on a quote kick, let me add another from one of my favorite authors, Gabor Mate, “Trauma is not just the bad things that should not have happened. It can also be the good things that should have happened but did not.”
The age we are experiencing is traumatic in that it is preventing us from connecting and engaging in community ritual. This is doubly so for those of us with unearned disadvantages like People of the Global Majority, Femme and Femme of Center folx, Neurodivergent people, and Disabled folx. Love is a practice, and it is best delivered socially. To drive home the transformational power of an affirming social ritual, I’ll describe an example from my life.
Last Friday, I held a Halloween party at my home. It was the first of what I hope to be an annual tradition: inviting people I care about to enjoy themselves in my house. As part of the invitation, I made sure to describe in detail the accessibility supports that would be available. I noted how many staircases there were in my home. I said that the lights would be dimmed for those who are photo-sensitive. I also made a point of including a dedicated space for those who are overly stimulated to restore and rest. I took time to label the directions for my guests in the guest bathroom (indicating which light switch controls the fan and which turns on the overhead light).
I sent reminders and noted which food items would be welcome, and stated that costumes were welcome but not mandatory. And lastly, I included a note that the gathering would be from 6 to 10 and that people were welcome to arrive and to exit as they pleased. I received multiple comments from my neurodivergent friends who shared that the gathering was one of the most neurodivergent-affirming gatherings they'd ever been to, that they really appreciated the steps I took to affirm their ways of being and their needs. Their words of affirmation really touched my heart. Some of my friends are what people might call reclusive or antisocial, and I know that is not the case at all.
It's more accurate to say that many of us with sensitive nervous systems need softer, more open, and less high-stakes social gatherings to be our best selves. At both of the large gatherings that I had in my home, it warmed my heart to see Autistic people unmasking and ADHD stimming, and people leaving with a wave without feeling guilty. And in a way, hosting neurodivergent-afirming events heals a part of me that needed these types of spaces growing up.
Does this approach require a bit more planning and intention? Yes. And it is well worth it to have people of all neurotypes feel welcomed, seen, and appreciated. As neurodivergent people, we’re often told to bring our whole selves, and when we do, we face rejection, judgment, and exclusion. So much so that we’ve learned to hold back, to mask our quirkiness, and we all lose out in the long run. The beauty of creating neurodiverent-affirming social gatherings is that once people see that it can be done, they’re emboldened to embed the same practices at their own gatherings. We’re modeling how to create cultures and practice communication that supports diverse neurotypes.
Much of the focus on neurodiversity centers on the workplace and accommodations. And that is still very much needed. And the truth is, we also need disabled and neuro-inclusive social spaces. We need neurodivergent parties, kickbacks, and outings. We need an ethos and a practice of creating loving and affirming social spaces for people of all neurotypes, with no explanations required. These types of community spaces are necessary for folx to be who they are. And if you’re planning a holiday gathering, now is a great time to make sure it’s a neurodivergent-affirming extravaganza!
